Dear Betsy, Edie and Tallulah,
I want you to know I have made some huge mistakes in life.
I was a horrid teenager because of a damaged childhood. I did things I shouldn’t have done, stuff I’m not proud of and I made far too many bad decisions.
I would like to say that these choices stopped before I became a mum but they didn’t.
I feel guilt everyday, mostly to you Betsy – because you saw and heard things for the first 6 years of your life that you shouldn’t have; things I know you will always remember because right now, at the age of 34 I remember things from the same time of my childhood.
Since I became a mum almost 13 years ago I have had two failed relationships & been a single mum twice.
I left our first family home as a mum of two babies with the clothes on our backs and we had to start all over again with nothing. You have watched my heart break over situations I can’t control. You have watched me search down the backs of sofa’s for coins so we can buy milk & bread and you have seen me at my very worst.
I have stood over each of you whilst you’ve slept and I’ve sobbed silent tears at how I have let you down, how I could have done things so differently & how your lives could have been so much better.
What I’ve learned the most in the past 12 months since starting this page, since seeing pictures I’ll never forget and reading stories I’ll always remember is to forgive myself.
I never set out to be in a volatile relationship, I never wanted you to witness abuse & violence but you have.
I never wanted to break anyone’s heart but I did.
I never wanted to be a single mum working day and night to buy new furniture & white goods because we had nothing but I had to because I had no one else doing it for me.
I never dreamed when I was a little girl sat on my bed sketching my wedding dress that I would have three daughters by two fathers but I have.
Throughout all my mistakes I have loved you, I have loved you above anyone and everything. I have loved you so much that my body physically aches and I have tried to protect you, even when I got it wrong, I was still trying.
All the rubbish times I’ve had have ended up being ok because when I felt I could take no more I had the support of other women, your Nan, your Aunties & my best friends – best friends I have always kept hold of because despite all my mistakes in life I knew to never let a friend down, I have never betrayed a friend nor lied to one. I’ve always known the importance of other women and I have learned that in life we help each other to heal.
We need to be loyal to our best friends & keep them close because they are the ones who don’t judge our mistakes. They’re the ones who turn up in a moments notice with a box of tissues and a bottle of wine. They are the ones that wipe our tears and hold us when we cry and ultimately they’re the ones who tell us when we’re making bad decisions because they want what’s best for us.
This is something I have and will raise you to know, to always love the women close to you because they’re so powerful they can change your worlds.
I can only hope that the one thing you do from my mistakes you have witnessed is learn.
I hope when you grow you see the damage that comes from being in the wrong relationship. I hope you don’t break a good guys heart & I hope you are never subject to Domestic abuse.
If you have children I hope you don’t have them with the wrong partner, I pray that you don’t drown in post-natal depression.
I hope in your life you don’t make catastrophic mistakes that affect the people around you and have devastating consequences….but if you do, that’s ok too, because you are human, and life isn’t always about getting it right, it’s also about being supported when you get it wrong.
I can’t promise I won’t ever make a mistake again, I openly admit I am not a perfect mum and so I can’t promise our life will always be easy & simple…
…but what I can promise is that the three of you will come above and before anything.
I will always encourage you, I will always support you & I will always love until my heart hurts you no matter how crappy your decisions in life are 💜