The Shopping Trip

As a rule Josh & I don’t do the food shop together..mainly because he turns into a stingy twat and I like to pretend I’m a multi-millionaire…I spend the whole time ignoring the fact I’m way too far in my overdraft filling the trolley with ridiculous luxury items no fucker needs whilst he takes them all back out.

…On Sunday we had to do the food shop together as the kids clubs had taken up the whole day and the supermarkets were about to close.
We agreed I could choose the supermarket if he could choose the food.
I picked Sainsbury’s – just to piss him off, then I picked the food.

Our first row started before we’d even got out the car because I’d removed the bags out of ‘his’ boot. No-one is allowed to remove the bags out of ‘his’ boot. I informed him I’d removed the bags to fit in 4 scooters and a football during the Christmas holidays. The Christmas holidays where he went back to work in the second week like a clever fucker and I was still on annual leave trying to entertain 5 bored, miserable mini terrorists in hideous weather conditions. If I hadn’t removed those bags out of ‘his’ boot to get the kids out of the house that day things would be far far worse for him right now….

Anyway, we got into the store and it goes something like this..

I pop in olives and humous in the trolley. He takes them out & puts them back on the shelf telling me he’s sick of looking at my fridge ornaments that he puts in the bin, unopened, after a fortnight.
I hide them back in the trolley under the loaf of bread and whisper the word ‘cock’ under my breath.
He picks up a Spag-Bol ready meal for Edie’s dinner on Tuesday at nursery; I pop it back and tell him I’m going to make one from fresh so it’s healthy and they’ll be more food to freeze down. He tells me I will never find the time to do this. I smile and tell him to fuck off.
I pick up an air-wick plug-in and re-fill. He tells me I love to waste money. I tell him I like the house to smell nice and homely & I  give him the finger behind his back.
I buy all the kids new drinks bottles because they’re on offer, and they’re matching, and they have different colours so they won’t fight – he rolls his eyes in annoyance at me – I remind him he wouldn’t understand this genius purchase because he’s not ever home in the mornings to witness the punch ups over bastard drinks bottles.
I pop nappies and wet wipes in, as he’s taking them back out he reminds me we haven’t had a kid in nappies for almost 2 years..I remind him as I load them back in that I have Edie for 4 days a week whilst he’s out ‘fighting crime’. That £3.85 pack of nappies and 80p pack of wet wipes will entertain her with her doll for at least 2 of those days. Twat.
I buy 7 packs of smoothies because they’re on offer; he starts loading them back on the shelf telling me I’m now being utterly ridiculous & I’m on the ‘wind up’, I start loading them back into the trolley whispering through gritted teeth that I’m not fucking ridiculous, I’m actually saving thousands of pounds because it’s very rare that Innocent reduce their smoothies at all let alone to half price so he needs to step-aside and back the fuck away from the trolley.

A lovely lady then stops us to tell us she loves the page and finds it funny and we should be proud of what we’ve achieved; we both smile and thank her and look really happy and united when in reality we’re both ready to separate permanently  and never see each other again and we’ve not even reached the meat aisle.

Get to the checkout, Josh doesn’t want to buy bags…he genuinely wants to load the shopping back to the trolley, into the boot then into the house without purchasing one bastard bag. I smile at the assistant as I hand her 10 bags. It literally kills him that he has to spend 50p on this – he’s rage packing, lobbing multi-packs of baked beans on top of a warburtons loaf, it’s all gone to shit.

Anyway…I’m now sat in my lovely home which smells of crisp linen & vanilla whilst looking at my fridge full of ornaments looking like I’ve got shares in innocent smoothies…however I’m way too tired to make Edie’s dinner from scratch so bollocks to it, I’ll stop at Spar on the way to nursery tomorrow and buy her a ready meal.

Fucking Know-It-all Bird boy 😂😂😂❤❤


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