Tomorrow I’m going to…

Tomorrow I’m going to behave exactly like my children….i’m going to take it in turns to be each one of them (age ranges between 2-11) just to keep an element of surprise throughout the day.

I’m going start by waking up at ridiculous o clock and launch myself through their bedroom door like a hand grenade – turn their light on and start screaming I need a wee and a drink and I’ve lost my teddy that I bought 3 days ago but now I can’t live without.

I’m going to demand a TV programme that’s not on and not been saved on planner – then I’m going to lose my shit when I can’t have it so I wake anyone up that isn’t already awake.

I’m going to refuse breakfast. Point blank refuse, even though I’ve been awake an hour and I’m absolutely starving. And I’m going to cry when I’m asked to eat. How dare you offer me food.

I’m going to cause an argument when everyone else is sat at the table eating – it’s going to be over something absolutely ridiculous but it’s going to wind all the other kids up until everyone’s crying including me. I know I’ll tell them when I grow up and move out i’m taking the dog with me – that will do it.

I’m going to get on my Xbox. I’m literally going to climb out of bed and sit at that games console before I’ve even opened my eyes and look in a total confused state when I’m asked what I think I’m doing.

Just as we’ve all got our coats on and are walking out the house I’m going to decide I want breakfast – and I want cereal with milk – or waffles and syrup; there’s no way I’m eating a brioche in the car – why would you even suggest that?

I’m going to lie that I have no homework this weekend, then remember on Sunday night just before I fall asleep that I had a project to make a model of a volcano that spits real lava.

I’m going to have an absolute fit that I’m not having a bath. I’m going to need restraining for you to get my bolognaise covered clothes off me and sob until I hyperventilate for the the first 4 minutes I get in. Then I’m not coming out – and as soon as you suggest it I’m going to have another fit. I absolutely love having a bath.

I’m not tired – and I’m not going to bed. I know I nearly fell asleep on the way back from the park in the car earlier and I don’t care that I’m already an hour past my bed time as its the weekend it’s not happening. I’m going to fight this.

I’m starving – and I’ve got tummy ache. Now you’ve put me to bed I’m really ill and really hungry. I’m not going to sleep until I’ve had a shit-load of calpol and a three course meal.

Now that I know I’ve spent today sending you over the edge until the point you can take no more i’m going to wait until you settle down on the sofa then I’m going to call you in my room for the 7282627th time.

When you walk in I’m going to whisper “I love you to the moon and back” then I can fall asleep knowing all is forgotten 💜

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3 comments

  1. I’ve once threatened to throw myself on the floor and stamp my feet in the middle of the supermarket, because my darlings were demanding everything in sight and telling me what a terrible mum I am.

  2. Oh y GOD !! I was in stitches reading this…..right up to the last bit when I dissolved into tears. It’s 2228pm and I’ve been awake since around 4am, I have listened to Thomas the fuckin tank engine until my ears bled, I’ve picked rice and tomato pips out of the carpet while he has been simultaneously stamping mini cheddars in to another area of carpet, I’ve been slapped and kicked and had my hair pulled and I have had the biggest headache all day. And then suddenly he says thank you mummy in his only just 2 yr old little voice and starts snoring !! 5 minutes later and I don’t know what to do with myself. I am so glad I found your blog, I fucking love you man xx

  3. Haha love reading these during my night time feeds…..they keep me going, and sane in the fact that I am not alone in my Mummy woes.
    I am Mummy/ Step Mummy to 4 girls and 3 boys and love my crazy brood to pieces, but my god do they drive me insane!!!!!

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